• Posted Oct 9, 2001

Whut happind September 11th shure goes tuh show dat we Americans ain’t gonna be safe ‘til terrerizm be stopped. An’ wit evrybuddy jumpin’ on duh patreeotic banwagon, I thawt I bes’ be doin my part tuh keep America free. Hearz summa duh thins I done be doin' sents the WTC got blowd up. Give 'em a try, day been werkin’ fer me:

  1. Pile tires around yer trayler tuh stop any suicide truck bombers from strikin’ -- I been doin’ it fer years an’ ain’t been bombed yet (‘cept when I’m drinkin’, course).
  2. Drive ‘round town wit yer windows down and play dat Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA song real loud on duh tape deck. If’n ya don’t gos a tape deck, jus’ sing the song ... dey’ll never know duh diffrents.
  3. Keep buyin’ up all that NASCAR shit and “I Luv NYPD t-shirts an’ hats on QVC. Dat shit drives dem ragheads nuts.
  4. Attend the combination United We Stand memorial service an’ 2-Fer-1 Hamms special at Bob’s Bait & Brew.
  5. Tattoo FDNY on yer girlfriend’s ass when she’s passed out drunk. Dat way when yer bein seckshull, you’ll be thinkin’ bout dem guys dat really gave it up fer our freedum.
  6. Call up the local convenience store an’ ask ‘em if dey “got Bin Laden in a can.”
  7. Re-name yer bitch dog Taliban -- which I bin told means “bitch dog.”
  8. Stop drinkin’ dem slushies -- it’s kinda like dem economic sancshuns ya hear folks in Washington talkin’ bout.
  9. Report anybuddy wit more than one hyphen in their name to the cops.
  10. Sponsor a “Box Cutter Buyback” program in yer trailer court -- we gos tuh keep dem weapons of mass distruckshun out of duh wrong hands.
  11. Keep watchin’ duh 24-7 coverage of duh recovery at WTC cuz its ratings month an’ dem TV networks gotta make back summa duh money dey lost on September 11.
  12. Take down duh confederate flag from yer truck window an’ spell out “Jihad my ass” in duct tape.
  13. Smoke more weed, cuz my bruncle Eudale says “nuthin goes better wit anthrax than duh erb.”
  14. Dress in fatigues and tell any Arab chicks ya see dat you’ve “gotta frisk ‘em.” Hell, don’t let a holy war keep ya from gettin’ a l’il.
  15. Git yer girlfriend to make dem crazy Arab tongue sounds when she’s given ya a hummer. Don’t know if’n it’ll help stop terrorism, but it ain’t gonna hurt.

    Well, dats ‘bout all I can think of. Later.

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